i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
