for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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