I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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