dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
