im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
