Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
