I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
