man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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