The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
