Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My penis needs a shock collar
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
