Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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