Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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