Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
