don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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