Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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