Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
