I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
