Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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