Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
