Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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