My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Be still, my beating vagina.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
