Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
