Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
