Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
