as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
