I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Randomize
