I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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