I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
