I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
