At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
