Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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