FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
