I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
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That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
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Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
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