If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
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