I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
