Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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