so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
