all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
