i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
