Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
