I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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