oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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