I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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