Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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