my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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