Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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