I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
