You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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