My hand turned me down
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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