I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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