i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
