dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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