have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
