What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
