I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
