Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Is that strawberry winking at me??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
