he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
