My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
