Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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