I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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