I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
