sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
